Review: Transformers: The Last Knight

The fifth installment in any film franchise can be tricky. You either end up with Rocky V (a film people pretend never happened) or Fast Five (a film people think is one of the best in the franchise).

Then there’s Transformers: The Last Knight ….where to begin.

Ok… there’s so much unnecessary plot but here’s the important information:  With the help of Bumblebee, Cade Yeager (Mark Wahlberg) – the inventor who never invents anything – is helping Transformers by housing some in an old junkyard and rescuing others. There’s a medallion that attaches to Cade’s arm making him “the chosen one”. Anthony Hopkins explains some long lineage of humans protecting an old Transformer secret. Viviane (Laura Haddock) is somehow involved because of her family lineage. Blah blah blah they’re all after Merlin’s old staff to save the world.

Some evil robot lady put Cybertron on a collision course with Earth to drain the planet of all its powers. The Decepticons like this plan and the Autobots want to stop them and save Earth. Despite all the powerful shape-shifting robots, the two humans are the only thing capable of stopping the apocalypse.

During the first 5 minutes, Stanley Tucci shows up as Merlin. Yes, the same Stanley Tucci that played Joshua Joyce in the last Transformers movie. The movie was headed to an absurd place at this point and it never change course, it just got crazier.

The film is hot garbage if you can’t already tell, but a few things need to be pointed out.

First, the film is boring and it shouldn’t be. Its 2 ½ hours of overstuffed plot and one dimensional characters. It’s almost designed to put people to sleep.

The dialogue is terrible. I mean REALLY bad. The characters don’t talk to each other, they banter back-and-forth with snarky remarks and witty jokes. None of the exchanges are funny and most of the “jokes” fall flat.

There are plenty of terrible things in this film but one of the most egregious has to be the government recruiting Megatron to help them find Cade. Megatron meets with a bunch of suits and Josh Duhamel’s character in the middle of nowhere. These suits sit at a table and listen to Megatron ask to have a team put together. It’s literally a scene from Suicide Squad. It was followed by a montage of Megatron naming different Decepticon’s and the audience seeing them getting released from prison. I can’t make this up.

Unicron makes an appearance, sort of, and we get a version of Hot Rod that’s sure to piss off fans of the original Transformers animated movie.

Cade stops a Decepticon from swinging a sword down on Optimus Prime by using some magical sword he has to block it. So…..a 90lb man is stopping a 2 ton robot? It’s the most ridiculous thing in a movie that has transforming robots.

Nothing in this movie makes sense.

The story isn’t even really about the Transformers; it’s about all the boring humans they crammed into the movie. When we do get some Transformers action, it’s mostly Optimus Prime giving another, “I am OPTIMUS PRIME!” speech. He gives about four of his famous pep rally speeches. We get it, you don’t have to keep name dropping yourself buddy.

Since there really isn’t a story, the film is 80% pointless visual effects, 15% inappropriate sexual jokes, and 5% slow motion. There’s one not-as-good-as-Fast and the Furious chase scene and 1,001 terrible jokes. Even a gag that includes Vivane’s mom and her friends trying to listen because they think she’s having sex with Cade. I can’t make this up.

For a movie that should be a visual masterpiece, during the climactic moment, it’s unclear exactly what’s happening onscreen.  It’s noisy, messy, and impossible to follow. The only thing you can follow are the humans sliding down large pieces of metal over and over again. It’s not even visually appealing like most of Michael Bay’s films.

Transformers: The Last Knight is a boring mess of a film. The movie doesn’t do anything but double down on things people hated in previous films.The 2 1/2 hour runtime fells like 5 hours. The action is too frantic to follow, and the scenes that aren’t stuffed with explosions and CGI aren’t very interesting. It’s more pointless plot that’s populated by even more pointless characters. The franchise may have died years ago, but this is the final nail in the coffin.

Grade: F