****Spoiler Alert****** If you haven’t seen Furious 7 SHAME ON YOU! But seriously, don’t read on. You’ve been warned. If you don’t mind me spoiling a franchise that’s predictable at every turn, please continue reading.
2001’s The Fast and the Furious was about street racing and the criminal underworld. In Furious 7 they’re stopping ex-British Special Forces hitman and mercenaries trying to obtain the world’s most sophisticated spy technology. A lot has happened in 14 years.
No matter where Dom and his crew are in the world, they’re able to get their hands on the most expensive vehicles. Also, they never carpool on these trips. Does everyone need to drive? You know what draws attention to your group? A bunch of people showing up in $250,000 cars. That’ll do it every time.
Jason Staham is an amazing bad guy as Deckard Shaw. Shaw didn’t have a lot of wasted motion. He’d show up, kick ass, and leave. He also wasn’t big on talking. I always appreciate that in my villains. Shot out to Michael Myers. I’m still not sure why Deckard would destroy a hospital his brother was staying in.
Speaking of Shaw, how did he know where the gang was at all times? He pops up everywhere like someone said his name three times in the mirror. To Shaw’s credit, he did make quite an entrance every time. Does he have the ability to track people like Wolverine? I need answers.
Furious 7 might as well be called Ridiculous 7 – there’s parachuting cars, hand-to-hand exchanges between speeding cars, and Dom jumping a car off a crumbling parking structure and placing a bag of grenades on a helicopter in one fell swoop. Not to mention none of the mercenaries every think to shoot at their tires. These guys are worse than Storm Troopers. Even with all that, the most ridiculous thing was watching Paul Walker go toe-to-toe with Tony Jaa. Have you seen Tony Jaa fight? He’s a one-man killing machine. The sports equivalent would be watching Paul Walker go one-on-one with Lebron James and get the best of him. Jaa is on a list of people I don’t want to fight behind the guys from the guys from The Raid movies and Batman. I’m supposed to believe Walker was holding is own against this guy? I can’t buy it. I can’t! Jumping a sports car between three buildings was more believable.
I wonder how much Dom spends on crisp white thermal shirts. Could that be where all the money he stole went? I could see Dom walking into The Gap saying, “You see this XXL white thermal? I’ll take all…of…them.”
There’s no difference between the Fast franchise and the Mission Impossible franchise at this point. There’s not a franchise that delivers exactly what its core audience wants the way the Fast movies do. Each sequel keeps raising the stakes too. The more unbelievable the movies are, the more money they make. 2009’s Fast and Furious grossed $363, 2011’s Fast Five did $626, and 2013’s Fast & Furious 6 pulled in a whopping $788 – more than double Fast and Furious’ gross.
Everything The Rock does in Furious 7 is believable because he’s The Rock. Flexing out of a cast – yep! Taking out a drone with ambulance – yep! Having a shootout with an attack helicopter – yep! Only The Rock can make that seem believable in a movie drenched in absurdity.
The Shaw brothers do know how to survive a serious accident. How does Deckard even walk away from that accident? It must be in their genes.
You know who should play the villain in Fast 8? Taylor Kitsch. If you don’t think they’ll make another movie after Paul’s death, the projected $384 worldwide opening weekend suggest otherwise.
The ending was such a beautiful tribute to Paul Walker. I loved it. I had my reservations about how they would handle it but it was touching, heartwarming, and a nice way to wrap up Brian’s story.
Speaking of beautiful, Nathalie Emmanuel looks amazing. She’s more than just an interpreter y’all. She might be the only reason I see Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials.
View this post on Instagram
Thank you to the glam squad @chercoulter, @neekobackstage_ and @kdeenihan for my look last night for @fastandfuriousmovie's premiere! I can't tell you how overwhelming the love I felt from the fans was last night. Thank you to everyone who came out. The film is amazing. I am so proud of it and everyone who worked so tirelessly to finish it… to make it great. #proudmoment #Furious7 #3rdapril #forpaul #fastfamily
Where do they go next for Fast 8? Maybe Dom and his crew will be in space fighting aliens as we attempt the colonize Mars. I’ll be there opening weekend for that as well.
Writing Grade: D
Acting Grade: C
Entertainment Grade: A++++++